From the Archives
I used to have another little blog. It rode with me through some rough storms.
Here’s a glimpse into my scattered mind and heart… March 2014…
Depression is back. Not the everything-is-dark and I-just-want-to-be-obliterated depression I think of as beyond-depression, but run-of-the-mill no-motivation, nothing-sounds-appealing, I-just-want-to-sleep and everything-takes-too-much-energy BLAH.
I was just starting to type that I wonder what it’s like to live a life in which this doesn’t happen, this random drop into a dark hole that isn’t the result of an emotional trauma like the death of a loved one. What is it like to be a “stable” individual?
But then I realized it wasn’t quite random…
Mea Culpa? Am I to Blame?
It wasn’t random, but the trigger seems rather insignificant. The reaction may be extreme, but it didn’t come out of nowhere. And I made myself vulnerable by not eating and drinking the way I should yesterday. Trying to get some work done that needed to be done, I ended up not eating breakfast until almost lunchtime, and then had lunch mid-afternoon. Then, in trying to get more work done that was due, and make it to a meeting on time, I didn’t eat dinner at all. Didn’t drink enough water, either. Haven’t been keeping myself well-hydrated. And it has been far longer since I exercised regularly, or blogged regularly for that matter.
So when I came across some things from my childhood yesterday afternoon… noticed them in a bag of trash… some things I thought were long-gone… things I’d wondered where they’d gone… objects that brought back good memories… and bad…
I was not in a great place to deal with emotions I’m never quite sure what to do with any way…
Haven’t we been through this?
How many times can I think I’ve resolved various issues with the past and… implode or explode… in a way that shows I clearly have not.
The problem is, rationally, I have. But my reactions… aren’t rational.
How does one fix that?
I have to admit the medication I am on helps stabilize my moods, even though I was pretty sure it wouldn’t really help. I haven’t had a long bout of beyond-depression in a while.
Borderline Personality Disorder?
I have some serious borderline personality tendencies… If you don’t know what that is, here’s a link.
And I wonder how to deal with it. A big part of treatment for BPD is changing the way you think. About yourself. Your past. Your circumstances. And other people.
Which brings me back to my conundrum. I know who I am… except when I don’t. I’ve dealt with my past… but my brain forgets what I’ve come to understand. I know God is always here, that He loves me and I’m His child – and I know grace is available in all my circumstances… but at times I can’t believe there’s such a thing as grace, at least not for me. People… people I too often still find difficult; and I know this trips me up. Typical of borderline… issues.
So, now that I’ve once again used my blog as a place to mini-analyze myself, how do I bring things around so you can see how it brings glory to God.
Soli Deo Gloria – For the Glory of God Alone!
If you’re suffering mental illness, take heart; you’re not beyond grace even if you feel you are at this moment.
If you suffer with mental illness but are coming out of a bad spell, or are enjoying a time of stability, be encouraged to MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES. Don’t make yourself more vulnerable than you need to be.
If you love someone who suffers from BPD, bipolar disorder, severe depression or other forms of mental illness and are feeling hurt by how they’re lashing out at you, remember they don’t really hate you… even if they feel like they do. They’re trapped, for the moment, in a dark place, and they’re having trouble seeing the light or Truth in anything. But dawn will come.
As for me and what I’m doing here on this blog (inconsistently, another “symptom” of a life out of balance, with or without mental illness) is being honest, so you can know that God can be glorified in and through us even when we feel too broken, sometimes more so when we know we’re broken. Let Him. When things are good and you have control of your mind, commit to live life for His glory. And trust that when, if, the darkness descends in your mind again and you can’t believe, He will still hold you.
Today, not easy. But God is bigger. And even taking the time to let Him talk to me through “my” words as I type, forcing myself to not only put fingers to keyboard, but push past the writer’s block, the holy-listener’s block, that comes…
There is healing here for me. And in seeking to be obedient in what I offer you. I hope that someone finds encouragement here… in what I realize may be disjointed. But, truth is, I can’t set my hope on it. I would love feedback… but… seeking it is wrong for me. My job is to be obedient to what I can understand of what God is asking me to share; what He chooses to do with it, as much or as little, even nothing beyond me… That’s up to Him. I can’t use this blog to seek validation, but I am not yet free of desiring it.