Subdued but not slain

Depression is Rearing Its Ugly Head

By the time I had my two younger kids tied into their skates I was too tired to take on the challenge of fighting my way into a pair. And the rink, as ice rinks are, was freezing. If I stayed there on the bench I’d be miserably cold.

Warmth was just a few steps and a doorway away. Several other moms and a couple of dads. I could handle that, right? Though I was self-conscious about my too-long-unwashed hair and couldn’t really keep my fuzzy winter hat on in the warmth. The warmth where people would expect me to hear them when they spoke to me. It would be hard enough with my ears uncovered.

Depression isn't just feeling sad. Sometimes #depressionis... too tired to skate

Depression is…

It was that strange level of depression that’s like observing the world through some bizarre lens that makes everything seem cloudy and vivid, too close and too far, all at the same time… And sounds are muffled but sharp. It’s exhausting.

I survived my fellow home-school-group parents. Got myself and my kids home. I have no idea what we had for dinner.

The next morning was worse. I just couldn’t make myself get up in time to get dressed and go to my Saturday-morning Bible study. Or just wouldn’t.

I’d settled into the angry why-bother stage. My fingers on my right hand are still a little sore from punching inanimate objects, like the hall door.

That’s not a fun admission.

I worked on a website for a client. Waited for the day to end. Forgot to do the laundry.

Sunday was dark. Too sluggish for rage. Too tired for too many efforts at nice.

But church was survived. And the cloud lifted a little. More than a little. But it’s still far from sunny.

The most frustrating part of Monday was the distortion of time.

Sunday night I’d wondered if I’d feel like I’d lost one or two days on Monday. Which is what can happen when I come back up from lower low.

But I’ve been so much lower. So, so, so much lower.

Sunday, it was true that my this was never going to get better.

Monday, it was possible things could maybe get better… but I was too tired to think much about trying.

And time?!? It slipped sideways and over and around itself. Impossible to keep track of. I’d get lost in a screen or in a thought and minute after minute after minute… vanished… An hour gone. Two. I couldn’t figure out where the day went, just knew it left me behind.

Depression isn’t…

No, depression isn’t just feeling sad. It isn’t just a feeling at all.

Depression isn’t just feeling sad. It isn’t just a feeling at all. #depressionis Click To Tweet

And I guess the point of all this is something I need to remember, on bad days and better:

The dragon is subdued but not slain.

For any of you toying with the idea of going off meds, or being lazy with healthy habits – I’ve been flirting with the first and shacking up with the second – here’s what I have to say to US: KNOCK IT OFF!

Why do I make it easier for the darkness? It’s like standing at the door of my mind and saying, Hey! I’ve missed you! Why don’t you come back and make me miserable? Take another try at killing me! Please?

It’s ridiculous. Foolish. Reckless.

But, let’s run down the list

Am I getting enough sleep? Big, big, big no… but that’s not completely my fault. Part of the time I just can’t.

Am I eating healthy? Mmm… Could definitely do better here lately, but I’ve definitely done worse.

Drinking enough water? Not so much since I started spiraling.

Exercising regularly? No.

Spending consistent time in the Word? In prayer? Nope. And WAY NOPE.

Thinking about what I’m thinking about? If that means focusing on all the negative thoughts and letting them blind and deafen me to the good, well, then, YES, I’m NAILING that!

Wait, what? That’s not what that means?

Well, doesn’t that just…

Tuesday… still mood-swinging. Tired. Fuzzy-headed. But… getting some things done. It doesn’t feel like enough, but…

Good morning, Wednesday…

How are you today?

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. For EVERYONE’S sake. Click To Tweet

If you’re struggling, I shared this to remind you you’re not alone. You’re not the only one. We’ll feel better. And we need to take responsibility for what we can.

If you’ve fallen into the pit of severe depression, or struggled with other mental illness, however you’re feeling today, DO NOT FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. For EVERYONE’S sake.

If you’re someone who has never struggled with depression but wonder how it can feel for someone you love, I hope you found a little insight. Don’t give up. Show up.

Care to share how you’re feeling today, and bless me with the opportunity to pray for you? We’ve got this! Okay, maybe we don’t, but God does!

Would you like some help getting into, or back into, a habit of daily Bible-reading? Check out Listen When He Speaks!

Depression isn't just feeling sad. Sometimes #depressionis... subdued but not slain.

If you appreciated Depression is Rearing Its Ugly Head, check out these other #depressionis posts:

#depressionis... awake at 4am  despite sunshine and strawberries    #depressionis... strengthened faith#depressionis... believing lies

6 thoughts on “Depression is Rearing Its Ugly Head

  1. You spoke to my soul today. Came across this gem as I sat weeping, wondering why I am weeping, knowing I am overreacting to the day’s difficulties, yet unable to stop, unable to make myself heard to a husband who doesn’t understand depression.
    I needed this little kick in the pants. I am not doing all I could to care for myself. I have not turned to the Lord as I should, though I know the solace He provides is better than any offered by man. When I am in the pit, it’s hard to concentrate on self-care. Thank you for reminding me!

    • There are some moments that just need to be survived, but you are clearly not so far in the depths! I’m glad you’re ready for a kick in the pants, and I’m glad my post could help you remember to take care of yourself.
      I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand. It really is difficult for anyone who hasn’t experienced it. But, as you know, God sees us and He knows us thoroughly and loves us any way. And, yes, He does provide solace better than any offered by man. Even when we can’t feel it… Which is hard, but He knows how to both comfort us and grow us.
      Raised a prayer for you. Thank you for your comment.

    • Thank you, Melanie. I know it has helped me to hear others’ stories and connect with other Christians who live it, and are willing to share their ups and downs.

  2. Oh yes Dear!! I can relate! What many don’t realize is that sometimes depressed people appear to be the happiest of all. We are experts at masking our true feelings! Or is that just me??

    • No, not just you. But there are some days I just. can’t. put on a happy nice face.

      On the extreme side, I have known several “clowns” who made me so uncomfortable because I ACHED when they were manically funny. I used to wonder why people couldn’t see beyond. But as people who suffer from depression, our perspective is different, isn’t it?

      Celebrities who come to mind are Jim Carrey and Robin Williams.

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