Another week of wanting to post meaningful words and staring at my computer screen… well… scrolling through Facebook and Twitter more than staring at the blank page. Reading other people’s blogs. You know, people who always seem to have something to say, and know how to manage their blogs, and have more readers in a day than I have in a year.
If there’s one thing about my blogging, it’s inconsistent.
It’s not that I haven’t had words this week… It’s just not my story to tell. It’s… frustrating… and heavy. So many words. I gathered them Saturday, and they made a good post, if I do say so myself. A good post I can’t publish. But some words just need to not stay in a head… They’re burning a hole in a file on my laptop.
What’s left to say?
I have a series on healthy habits to finish researching and writing. I have a client who has been waiting far too long for a website rewrite. And what am I spending most of my time doing?
I get to the end of the day and I can’t remember what I did all day, let alone figure out what I really accomplished.
I can’t focus. I can’t get enough sleep. I can’t stay on top of things… in part because I can’t remember what’s on my list.
Do you know what it’s like to take a moment to respond to a message and then have no clue what you took a break from? I looked at all my open browser tabs… nothing… I felt a little panicky. Once again cursing my fuzzy brain. Then I noticed Photoshop was open. Riiiight…
What’s left to say?
Depression… blah, blah, blah…
I don’t particularly feel like doing anything. And everything I do takes. so. long.
There’s obviously something I need to hear today… and often that comes when I try to write, so here I am. I showed up.
You see how far I’ve gotten.
Kids. Apathy. Self-pity.
You remember those bloggers I mentioned earlier? You know, the ones I sort of sounded snarky about. I’ve read some great stuff. And I think the best thing I can do right now is share some of their words with you.
It’s been interesting reading echoes of my… my, what? Thoughts? Heart paired with broken brain? Myself?
Paired with a reduced feeling of Why should I bother? Everyone else says it better than me, anyway?
I know. Poor me, right?
So, at risk of having you stolen away (just kidding… kind of) here are a couple of posts you may value as I did… Nope, you know what? Just one. And this one is particularly for those of you who are struggling with your identity as a Christian who struggles with depression, anxiety… mental illness, sshhh!!! Especially if you’ve felt like the church is no longer where you belong (and if you’re really upset at the church, or have been hurt in church, you may want to not only read this post but also click the link at the end).
by Steve Austin
In spite of my years of church attendance, ministry school, and genuinely following after my faith, I was once a very broken guy. I buried my pain deep and used external busyness to escape it. Years of self-neglect, along with lifelong patterns of shame and secret-keeping, landed me in ICU. A few days later I was transferred to a psych ward… Read more…