It's not... but God - Fruit of Brokenness

Because maybe it’s you who needs to be reminded that God is bigger, that grace is bigger. That emotions lie, and moods change, even when it feels like you’re stuck.

Another day

Another beautiful morning, the beginning of a perfect-weather day. Or so the meteorologists predict. So far, so good.

Another day of balancing the tensions of where my life is. Honestly, the easier days are usually the unbalanced days, when I can focus on what I want to focus on, and let other things, regardless of their ultimate importance, slide.

My new healthy addiction, since the arrival of good weather: removing weeds from my yard, trying to reclaim old plantings, and bring order to chaos. Slow-going, time-consuming, grubby, leave-grit-in-the-shower, outdoor work. Cathartic, rejuvenating, redemptive. I’m loving it.

But my house… my house is a disaster.

And my heart? My mind?

C.S. Lewis pointed out that living in JOY is living in reality. Doesn’t feel much like my reality at the moment. How about you? Check out Joy, Reality, and Living a Lie.

This gardening kick replaces the indoor-track addiction I developed in late January? Early February? I didn’t write about it. Because writing is one of those things I just don’t have the time, patience, or energy for. There were distractions I preferred. I lost about 12 pounds. Gained a little back. Need to work on muscle tone. But, again, other things I’d rather do, usually. Though it feels so good, and I enjoy the results. I’m wearing sizes I thought I’d never get into again.

I just don’t like things that I have to stay in one spot to do. Unless I can see immediate results. Like removing a wheel-barrow full of plants that don’t belong where they are, and are taking up space for intentionally-planted, or at least pretty, not overly messy, things.

I’ve chopped my hair. Shortest ever. Started a summer job waitressing, which I’ve never done before. And we’re finally a two-car family again. Didn’t think I’d ever go back to driving a smaller car, but am enjoying its… zippiness. My Focus needs a bath. Maybe I’ll get my younger two to help later. They still think it’s fun. Actually, I kind of do, too. I like to see it all shiny. It’s black, with the less-boring front end.

As of earlier this month, I’m the parent of two teenagers. Two. By the end of the year, all three of my kids will be in double digits.

I’ve been dealing with some resentment, not very well, I guess, since I’m still feeling it. Emotional ups and downs. Sometimes it’s best to give me wide berth. But this morning… this morning, I’m kind of numb.

Stuck in a rut of resentment and feelings of powerlessness? Choose your stone. Pick up your sling. It’s time for that giant to fall. Read Don’t Wait for Someone to Rescue You.

But here I am. Checking in on my Fruit of Brokenness… peeps.

Okay, not really a word I use.

Anyone know what’s the latest term for people, people with whom we have some type of connection? Y’all aren’t my (outdated) posse. My community? Would you still be considered my tribe?

Any way, my fellow living-broken-and-whole people…

I feel like my life is in flux. But isn’t really going to change. I’m just stuck in this upheaved (yes, I do make up words) in-between with no foreseeable end. If it wasn’t for the sort-of numb I mentioned earlier, the restlessness would probably be getting to me this gorgeous morning in the sunlight. Or maybe not.

Hypomania? Depression? Just overwhelmed with life? Grace is bigger.

So… how are you? Stuck in the darkness of depression that borders on despair? Enjoying (or hating) hypomania? Getting a little out of control? Just existing? Or maybe you’re walking out your victory…

However you’re feeling, remember: feelings are just feelings; moods change.

Feelings are just feelings; show them who's boss. Moods change; keep making healthy choices. Click To Tweet

Say it with me now… Feelings are just feelings. Moods change.

Don’t you hate it when someone asks you to do that? Maybe you don’t, but I do. If speakers ask me to repeat something with them, or raise my hand to identify with something, they’re as likely, okay more likely, to get a (surreptitious) eye roll from me than they are audience participation. I hate audience participation. Yes, I have an obstinate streak. I don’t like to be told what to do. I don’t like to feel I’m not in control of how I listen, or choose to respond. I don’t like to feel like I’m not in control in any setting.

But I’m getting off topic. Yes, I do that, too.

Making the right choices

So… you may be thinking… You keep telling everyone else to make healthy choices when they’re feeling bad or good; are you practicing what you preach, Melinda?

Well… yes and no.

Good mental health habits aren’t just about your mind, or your emotions, they’re about your entire self: body, mind, and soul. Read more.

Body

I’m staying relatively active. I keep motivated, in part, by the Fitbit I received for my birthday. (Yes, I’m 45 now, and it feels kind of weird that if you round my age, it’s no longer 40 but 50!) Any way, trying to stay active. And hydrated. And eat right… including not too much… but not just giving up all foods that seem indulgent.

And I’m taking my medication as I should.

Why do people struggling with a mood disorder think about giving up taking necessary meds? Check out these reasons, and why they’re wrong.

Mind

So… the biggest part of healthy mental habits is thinking about what you’re thinking about. What thoughts are circling? Not good enough… Never going to change… It will never get better… What’s the point? Are your thoughts emotion-driven, or based in truth? Are you focused on your circumstances, or the God who is bigger? Are you more interested in fixing how you feel than what honors God? Preaching to myself on that one, that wanting to do what feels good now. Well, that one in particular… It could get me in serious trouble.

Um, yeah… my drug of choice? Men.

Emotions aren’t bad, but allowing them to define your truth it dangerous. They’re not great guides for decision-making. They lead us astray.

Feeling like today just isn’t worth the effort? Check out Unhappy Dawn: Feelings vs. Truth

Soul

Erg… There are various parts of this, this not quite definable… stuff… that makes you you, and me me. There’s the spiritual aspect. Social. And creative.

Is creativity really important to mental health? Yes! Emotional and spiritual, too! Read Go Make Something!

Let’s start with creativity. I already said I’m not writing much. Which overlaps with the mental and spiritual… It takes too much time and effort, and I’d rather do other things that don’t require sitting still. Writing is good. And part of my identity. And calling. But most of the time I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying, and trying to say something takes too much time and effort. Words slip away before I can get them down. And some things… well, some things aren’t just mine to say.

Writing is good for you, even if you’re not a writer. Read how it gives us perspective, and empowers us.

Writing can be hard. It definitely takes time to blog. Time I’d rather be outside playing in the dirt. Or going for a walk. Or spending with particular people I can see, hear, and interact with. Time I don’t have when I’m at work. And time I need to be more intentional about with my kids.

What were you made to do? Are you doing it? Read An Olympic Effort: Run Your Race.

Trying to figure it all out and prioritize in this season… which will probably mean giving more priority to things that don’t really feel important at the moment. And (again) letting go of some good things that seemed reasonable, but turned out to be dreams… and the resentment that goes along with that. Then there my also be some things I picked up that I shouldn’t have picked up in the first place…

So, um, yeah, writing. Not so great…

I did, however, recently go back to the fine arts center near here for Thursday-night drawing… You can check out photos of my drawings, and other photos I’ve taken on Instagram.

Photography as mental health therapy? Yes! Read more in my article on the AIFC website.

Social… may not be making the best choices across the board here. Not making enough effort to spend time with people who encourage me spiritually. But getting out to the Fine Arts Center every week… Going to the library with at least one of my kids at least once a week. Going to Bible study when I don’t have to work… Church…

Which brings me to spiritual… Ergh. Ladies and gentlemen, do as I say not as I do, at least at the moment… I am keeping up with the Listen When He Speaks reading lists if you’d like to join me. My prayer life? Minimal. Mostly, I’m frustrated with God, and don’t really want to hear what He has to say about certain things. It’s not a good place to be… It’s not a good place to have put myself. One of these days I’ll get my head on straight.

Whatever it is

Well, that’s not very encouraging, Melinda… You may be thinking.

Where’s the hope?!? Grace gives everything meaning…

I agree. I’m not getting it quite right. And I don’t much care about that at the moment. So, prayer would be appreciated.

And here’s the thing, no matter how well I’m doing or how much you identify with my experience are feel relief knowing you’re not alone, if I’m only offering you me, it’s not enough.

Wondering who you are or feel like you’re not getting it quite right? Read Who am I? Living My Identity in Christ.

Look up, my friend.

Don’t start by looking within, but be willing to let Him peel back what’s inside.

Don’t start by looking outside. No one can give you what only God can. There are lots of shiny things that promise what you’re looking for, but can’t fulfill, only leave you emptier. It can look pretty ugly out there when you’re not looking through the lens of God’s truth and grace. Comparison is a killer.

Truth. Love. Peace. Joy. Hope. Fulfillment. Healing. True identity and worth.

We can only find them seeking God first. Not what He can give us. Not anything on earth.